well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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