I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
