We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
