You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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