but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
