I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
