This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
