You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
