She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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