So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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