If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
If I die, sorry about rent.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
