remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
