Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
