Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
