you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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