i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Randomize
