Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
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