i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
