oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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