I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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