the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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