I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
