o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
