I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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