hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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