He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
