just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
