apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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