after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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