Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
