Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
