we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
