last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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