I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize