Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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