Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼‍♀️
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
