My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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