Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
