Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
