Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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