I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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