I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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