Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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