i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
