I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
