new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
