Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize