Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize