There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize