Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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