I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
