Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
