last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
So vagazzling was a success
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
