if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
