The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
