You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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