I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
