Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Be still, my beating vagina.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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