i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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