in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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