it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'm just crazy horny about you
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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