someone threw a dead crab at me
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
