This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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